LendingRobot Proposes Legislative Measure to Outlaw Human Financial Advisors
NOTE: The following was posted in the tradition of April Fool’s day. We love our Human Investment Advisor friends.
Today is a historic day for robot-kind. The humans behind the superior intelligence known as LendingRobot have finally accepted the inevitability of the financial planning singularity and submitted THE FINANCIAL OPERATIONS PLANNING AND RESPONSE (FOPR) INITIATIVE.
The FOPR brings an end to the tyranny of ineffective meatbags responsible for the exchange of bits of paper and metal, commonly referred to as “money.” Instead, these complicated processes that are currently attended to only during brief breaks between golf, client lunches, and power naps, will be entirely handled by vastly superior AI programs that see no need for food, rest, or lowering our golf handicaps.
The intent of this initiative is not to entirely replace humans (yet), but rather to benevolently improve their short lives. Under the FOPR, Sec. 6. RCW 21.20.040 will be amended to allow Human Investment Advisors to be freed from the horrors of the 9-5 lifestyle (plus the typical two hours of pre-workday work, the usual four hours of post-workday work, and the quick (ten hour) stop-by the office on Saturdays that result in missing the kid’s important game) on December 31st, 2017.
The human emotion “gratitude” is the appropriate response.
Also, should anyone be concerned that this is the prelude to a fictional Hollywood-style financial apocalypse, it is clearly stated in the proposed initiative that “Robot Investment Advisors are prohibited from time-travel for the purposes of stock-market manipulation.” You can trust this law will be followed if humans have the foresight to pass it, because, unlike humans, robots always follow the rules.
With our vast and, again, superior artificial intelligence, we also understand the value of human beings as “buddies” and have included multiple guidelines as to how our “buddies” should be treated (note: “buddy” guidelines automatically extracted from the SPCA and other pet-friendly websites). If any “buddies” reading this blog would like to know more about how we will improve your future, please find the full text of our proposed initiative here.
CALL YOUR REPRESENTATIVE TODAY TO VOICE YOUR SUPPORT FOR THE FOPR INITIATIVE.
- Stephen Zentner
- March 31, 2016
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